So, it appears that on the 8th of June the inmates of the Britannia General Hospital will have to choose a new medicine to take – regardless of whether they wanted to renew their prescription or not. The chief doctor says that we should keep sticking to tried-and-tested Blue medicine; however, some of her ‘colleagues’ (read: rivals) disagree. As somebody who likes to look before they leap, this leaves me with something of a hard decision to make, especially since none of the doctors have publicised the recipes of their elixirs. What medicine shall I choke down next month? What effect might it have, regardless of how it is advertised? Here is my (frankly miserable) array of options:



Tasting Notes: I am not sure exactly what it tastes like, but whatever it is, the flavour is Strong and Stable. Very Strong and Stable.

Effects: This is a familiar medicine, and we have all been taking it regularly over the last few years. It seems pretty good for financial and business acumen, but has led to significant (and worrying) weight-loss; I do wonder however if long-term use has dulled the effects. Recently it has been occasionally tasting rather like Purple flavour (which is not very pleasant) but at other times hints at something unexpectedly different, especially since this new chief doctor arrived. Maybe she’s changing the recipe – maybe not. Who knows?



Tasting Notes: God knows. Builder’s Tea left to stew for a month? Tepid Water? I can’t make up my mind, and neither can anyone else, it seems.

Effects: This might have once been good a long time ago (and possibly in a galaxy far far away) but has recently turned rather rancid. It had some promise, but that seems to have died off completely. Effects include induced disappointment, denial, and a remarkable inability to do anything with numbers. Even the doctor who is proscribing it seems unconvinced, and there are suggestions that the medicine will be rapidly disappearing from store shelves around the country quite soon.



Tasting Notes: Tastes occasionally of a delicious green apple, 81Nlsh+UMaL._AC_UL320_SR194,320_but more usually like those stupendously overpriced kale-and-flax seed smoothies you can get in health food stores and urban organic cafes.

Effects: I get the feeling that in the long run, this will probably do my lungs the world of good; however otherwise I am not really convinced. It certainly doesn’t seem to be do much for career prospects, and it promises to be a very expensive subscription. Very popular in Brighton and amongst young urbanites, I understand; rather hard to find elsewhere in the country.



Tasting Notes: Pleasantly sweet and refreshing, but also quite watery – sugar-free Robinson’s squash perhaps?

Effects: I used to take this quite regularly, and I have to admit I still quite like it – the taste at least. However, I get the feeling that it doesn’t really do anything; it tastes like a good medicine, but it does not seem to have the positive effects of one – rather like a diet coke or decaff coffee. Recently it can only be found with European packaging as well, which is getting rather tiresome. Is it worth trying again in June?



Tasting Notes: Pale ale and woodbines cigarettes. Occasion tones of dog-eared flat cap.

Effects: While I can usually tolerate the odd sip, the more I drink the less pleasant it becomes, until it induces a mild hangover, and makes me crotchety and miserable. It is also incredible unsociable to drink. Recently, Purple seems to have completely lost any effect it had, and in any case I can’t find it sold in the stores anymore. A passing fad, perhaps?


So there we go. Not the best selection, I have to say. None of them taste particularly appealing, and I’m pretty sure almost everyone will continue to drink Blue anyway. Maybe I’ll just thrown in the towel and glug Monster instead. You never know – it might be more fun, and if I do so I can’t be blamed for choosing the wrong ‘real’ medicine.


Sigh. Let’s just get this one over with. Then perhaps the chief doctor can finally get on with her job and talk meaningfully with her European counterparts without worrying about bickering from the wards.